What is your attachment style (and does it matter)?
You may have heard of attachment theory; the concept that our bond with our primary caregiver influences our development and behavior in relationships throughout our lives. This theory is commonly used in psychotherapy and is popular in mainstream culture, but it dates back to the first half of the twentieth century. Attachment theory was developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and furthered by psychologist Mary Ainsworth through a famous study known as “Strange Situation.” In the study, infants were separated from their primary caregiver and then later reunited. Their reactions, described below, were the basis for the “attachment styles” we know today:
Secure: these babies were upset when their caregiver left, and were happy and comforted upon their return.
Anxious (sometimes referred to as “ambivalent”): these babies became very upset when their caregiver left, and were not easily comforted upon their return.
Avoidant: these babies avoided contact with their caregivers and displayed no reaction to their parents leaving or returning.
Disorganized: these babies showed a variety of unpredictable reactions to their parents leaving and returning, such as head banging or appearing dazed or confused (Cherry, 2023; Sommers-Flanagan & Sommers-Flanagan, 2018).
At the time, attachment styles were seen as direct responses to the “quality” of the caregiver-infant relationship, which was based on consistency of care. Caregivers of securely attached infants were consistently responsive to the physical and emotional needs of their baby. Caregivers of anxiously attached babies inconsistently met their baby’s needs, and gave them attention unreliably. Caregivers of avoidant babies attended to the baby’s physical needs, but not their emotional ones. Finally, caregivers of disorganized babies may have been erratic, and the baby may have been exposed to trauma (“The 4 attachment”, 2022).
Since then, we recognize that attachment is influenced by additional factors, and that certain behavior patterns in adults cannot be tied with certainty to a specific attachment style. Other influential factors include our relationship with non-primary caregivers and family members, our genes, cultural and environmental factors, and even our parents’ relationship with each other (Cherry, 2023). Experiences over the course of our life can also impact how we behave in relationships.
With that said, does attachment theory still hold water? While the theory does not paint a complete picture, it is still a useful tool in helping us understand adult behavior in relationship formation and maintenance, as our earliest relationships undoubtedly play a significant role in shaping us. Analyzing adult behavior patterns that have been linked to certain attachment styles can help us begin to understand one of the reasons why we act a certain way in relationships. Here are some adult behavior patterns which have been associated with each attachment style:
If you have strong self-esteem and emotional intelligence, tend to form long-lasting, healthy, trusting relationships, and rely on a strong social network, you may have been securely attached to your caregiver.
If you worry about getting close to others, are concerned your partners do not love you as much as you love them, seek constant reassurance in relationships and tend to experience frequent breakups which leave you deeply distraught, you may have been anxiously attached to your caregiver.
If you tend to remain guarded, struggle to share your emotions or provide emotional support or comfort for your partner, and struggle with intimacy, you may have an avoidant attachment to your caregiver.
If you have a combination of these characteristics (such as needing a close relationship but remaining emotionally unavailable), have had very few healthy relationships (they may be abusive), struggle to trust your partner and tend to self-sabotage your relationships, you may have a disorganized attachment style. If you are aware that your childhood was traumatic, this attachment style becomes more likely (Cherry, 2023).
Despite its popularity, attachment theory should be used as one tool in our toolbox rather than the sole source of truth. Better understanding the root of your behavior in relationships is very helpful, insofar as it enables us to use that knowledge for self-improvement. For instance, believing your attachment style may be avoidant can help guide your work with a therapist toward skills and strategies that are uniquely suited to support your growth. If you have questions about this blog or would like more information about attachment styles and how to use them effectively, reach out to us at The Counseling Corner!
References
Cherry, K. (2023, December 14). 4 types of attachment styles (D. Susman, Ed.). Verywell mind. Retrieved January 23, 2025, from https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344#toc-characteristics-of-attachment
Sommers-Flanagan, J., & Sommers-Flanagan, R. (2018). Counseling and psychotherapy theories in context and practice: Skills, strategies, and techniques (3rd ed.). Wiley.
The 4 attachment styles and how they impact you. (2022, September 23). Cleveland clinic. Retrieved January 23, 2025, from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/ attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles